We Got Married!

How everyone came together to hold a whirlwind hospital wedding.

It was a miracle.

In three days a hospital wedding was pulled together, and it wasn’t a grim, stone-faced affair but rather a beautiful and moving moment of real, true love.

If you’ve been reading me here or listening to the podcasts you know that my partner (now wife!) Brittany has been fighting cancer for some time. The past five months have been especially challenging as she has become quite physically disabled and treatment after treatment has not worked. Last week we got news that we did not want to hear as yet another treatment, our best hope yet, didn’t work.

Amidst all the emotions we made a decision - now was the time to fully commit our love to each other. We had been together for four years, and had not been putting off getting married. Rather, Brittany was on Medi-Cal, an incredible California-funded insurance program, but one that required her to remain essentially poor. If she changed her financial situation in any significant way she would lose the insurance, and I cannot overstate how vital this insurance has been. It has covered every treatment, experimental or otherwise, and almost everything the doctors wanted to do was approved, and quickly. We have been very aware that the pain and fear of the past few months would have been compounded beyond bearing if we had financial ruin looming over our heads.

But because the system is fucked and we would be ruined if Brittany lost Medi-Cal and Medicare, we could not get married. It didn’t really matter all that much; we loved each other and were committed to each other, and we knew that. A wedding would be nice, but our day to day reality was that of people perfectly bonded, a pair who had become one. Especially over the last five months, after I lost my job because I needed to become her full-time caregiver, we spent every minute of every day together, and we never tired of each other.

Things had changed, though, and we decided that it was time to make this thing official. The plan was this: do a small ceremony here in the hospital to make it all legal, and then in a couple of weeks -when she was out of the hospital, on supportive care dedicated to keeping her comfortable - we would have a bigger ceremony with a party where everybody could come. But as often happens the idea of a small ceremony soon ballooned.

We did run into an immediate issue. Brittany had let her driver’s license expire. She had applied online for a new one but it got lost in the mail and we had been so busy with things - and she was unable to drive anyway - that we just never really took the steps needed to get her new ID. It didn’t seem important!

Turns out it’s really important when you’re getting married. The state of California is quite specific about this - you have to have an unexpired photo ID. We got in touch with a service that specializes in hospital weddings, a service with the evocative name One Hour Marriages, and we hoped these folks would have a workaround. They didn’t. Weirdly we were able to make it work with the notary who came to the hospital to get Power of Attorney papers signed, but the wedding guy said that the one thing he needed, the one thing he could not do without, was a photo ID.

When I tweeted a request on Twitter - did anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to get a license or passport renewed when someone was hospital-bound - someone stepped up. They will remain nameless, both because I know they did not do this to be seen but also because I know association with me is a tricky business, but they’re a filmmaker with some resources at their disposal. This person told their assistant that getting Brittany’s passport renewed was her full-time job. It makes sense - it’s not unusual in Hollywood for people in film production to have expired passports and then get a job that requires international travel ASAP. In fact it has happened to me; years ago I needed to go overseas and had to use a passport expediting company to make it happen.

But this was a trickier proposition. I was able to go to the service and sign the documents and all that. Brittany can’t leave the hospital. Travel, even to a passport office, is impossible. But the assistant, a wonderful and helpful woman, went hard at the problem. And when I say hard I mean she had people getting in touch with their personal contacts at the State Department! Short of getting Joe Biden on the phone I don’t know that she could have gone any higher.

It didn’t work. There are some bureaucracies that are impenetrable even in situations like this. But the effort was so marvelous, and we were so moved by how much work everyone put into it. It was a special feeling to be that cared for.

The decision was simple - who cares if it’s legal. And at any rate, we want to have a bigger ceremony later, if Brittany can do, so we can just make that the legal one. What was important was getting our families together to witness us pledging our love to each other. We wanted to make this commitment before their eyes, and under the eyes of God or the universe or whatever.

Like I said, it snowballed quickly. And it snowballed quickly because so many people leapt into action. We were here at the hospital, frazzled and exhausted, and dozens of people stepped right up, no questions asked, to make this day happen.

I won’t be able to name every person who was involved because there honestly were too many. Our friend Robin, who actually introduced Brittany to me, was the point person, doing more than I can possibly recount and certainly more than I know. Our friend Megan stepped in to help, doing so many things to make sure the day was beautiful and perfect. We had a hair stylist donate her time to getting my shaggy head into marriage shape, and Brittany’s friends came to the hospital to do her makeup and nails.

Micheline Pitt, the incredibly talented designer and CEO of Vixen, made a stunning wedding caftan and turban for Brittany and did it in about 24 hours. She worked from some ideas that Brittany had and made them come alive in a way that was beyond Brittany’s dreams. When Brittany came down the aisle she was the very vision of Old Hollywood glamor. I mean, she’s always a stunner, but that day she was a goddess in white.

My friend Noah dropped everything to help me find an outfit that would work for the wedding. When we first started talking about this I assumed it would be so low key that I would just be in a hoodie and jeans, but once the wedding started getting bigger it was clear something fancier was needed. I had a small vision - I was looking at the classic Nudie Suits of the 60s and 70s for inspiration - but the time frame made that unlikely. What’s more, I couldn’t outshine the bride (maybe literally, considering all of the embroidered shiny stones on a Nudie Suit). But Noah is one of the most fashionable guys I know, and what’s more he’s fashionable in a way that fits my aesthetic. We hit the cowboy stores out here in the San Gabriel Valley, the places where you get embroidered Western shirts and sleek ass jackets, and we found a look that would be sharp without being flashy.

My dad and brother flew in. Derek would be best man, and he was my rock for the days he was in town. He’s the Faraci boy who shows the least emotion but who is most likely to be always aware of what others need and jump up and get things done. Brittany’s parents and sisters came down as well, and her mom immediately went to work on turning the fifth floor lobby of the hospital into a beautiful little chapel. We were aided by the fact that the lobby has full floor-to-ceiling windows with a view of the San Gabriel Mountains, creating a wonderful backdrop.

And then there was the hospital staff, including the chaplain and Brittany’s social worker, who moved heaven and earth to get this all set up, to secure the space, to get the right equipment to allow Brittany to get out of bed and to just in general act as a go-between for us and the hospital administration.

We could only have a few folks up here for the wedding, but that didn’t stop our friends, who congregated in a courtyard across the street from the hospital. We could see them from the window, and our friend Jen had spearheaded getting big letters that spelled “CONGRATS” and balloons for everyone. We had iPads on either end, and the folks outside could watch the ceremony on Facetime. And other friends who couldn’t make it, like the always supportive Amy, jumped in to help with the regular life stuff, such as feeding and loving our cat Gus, stuck home alone.

Again, I am leaving out so many people. Todd made a wonderful playlist for the wedding, other folks made sure there were snacks for everyone, Dallas made these amazing stickers with our faces on them, just so many people. I feel rotten already knowing someone is being left out because so many helped out. It was a whirlwind couple of days, and at times I wondered if adding the stress of a wedding to everything else going on with Brittany’s health was crazy, but we got through it. And then May 10th came.

Brittany came down the aisle to the song Origin of Love from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I started crying at the opening chords; that is one of the most romantic songs in the world and it chokes me up on neutral days. In this context it opened the waterworks, And then I saw her, accompanied by her parents, and my heart all but stopped beating. Her friend Lex had done makeup that was staggering and her friend Rachel had given her nails that frankly even a classless guy like me found gorgeous. She was a vision.

And she started crying right away too! Brittany is the stoic one of the pair of us, but as soon as she saw everyone gathered - and it was not just the families but just about every nurse and doctor who has worked with her over the years here at City of Hope, two dozen people in scrubs - she was overwhelmed.

We wrote our own vows, and I want to share them with you. Here are mine:

Before I met you I thought I knew what love was, but that was like looking at a lit match and thinking you know what’s in the heart of the sun. With you I experience a kind of love I never could have imagined, a love so complete and comfortable and consummate that I lack the words to describe it.

I have spent years as a spiritual seeker, but in you I found my guru, who has taught me compassion and kindness, patience and consideration. You have opened up joys in me that were locked away for years, and you have expanded my horizons and perspectives and allowed me to be a better man for it.

To pledge myself to you is the easiest choice I have ever made. From the moment we met in the summer of 2019 I knew you were my person - I am just so grateful that I am yours as well. I am your partner and your companion and I will be by your side every single step of the way.

My words don’t match the depth and heat of my love for you, so let me toss it over to Stephen Sondheim.

Brittany, need me too much,

Brittany, know me too well,

Brittany, pull me up short

And put me through hell

And give me support

For being alive.

I love you like Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Cats - now and forever.

Here are Brittany’s:

I've always considered myself - if not an excellent writer - at least a pretty good one. But standing in front of you I find myself speechless. Now part of that might be the chemo, but the large part is that I find myself more in awe of you every single day.

Your giant Italian heart, which you wear on your sleeve proudly, is so inspiring to an old German stoic like me. You never hide how you're feeling - wether it's something serious like me saying pineapple is an acceptable pizza topping or something small like who stole the blanket last night. I cherish your passion even when it manifests in one of your epic Wilhelm Scream sneezes.

I also love the way you are constantly trying to better yourself, through your studies, but also as a human being. I see the work you do and it makes me want to be a better human too.

But most of all, you have stuck by me through the worst that life has to offer and you haven't flinched once. You are my rock, my confidant, and my best friend.

There are a million more reasons I could list about why I love you but my oxygen supply is short so let me just say I love you with my whole heart and I can't wait to continue our life together.

Hers is the funnier one, but that’s what you would expect. I love her for it and I’m a little jealous she got all the laughs.

Derek, the best man, gave a toast, and Brittany’s sister Keeley, the maid of honor, gave one too. Derek’s toast was absolutely amazing - he talked about Squadron Supreme and Mark Gruenwald, something literally no one else in attendance had a clue about. And he broke down crying, which was so sweet. Like I said, he’s the one who always has the calm, straight face. I was so touched hearing him well up and struggle to get through the words.

And then we were married. It’s almost anticlimactic. There were photos and all that stuff, but Brittany only had so much strength, so it was back to the room.

We had two music cues at the wedding - she walked down the aisle to Origin of Love and then, when we were pronounced man and wife, we played an edit of the Beatles song The End from Abbey Road. We had the raucous, joyous opening and then edited it so it segued into the beautiful final lines:

And in the end

The love you take

Is equal to the love you make

Looking around at all the people who had shown up, who had put their lives on hold, who had gone above and beyond for her, to get so much love showered on her it was clear that Brittany has given so much love into the world.

This has been a hard year, and it’s far from over, but there’s nowhere else I would rather be, and I am so glad to have made public what was always true: I am with her through thick and thin, for better or for worse, and for every step of the journey. She is the love of my life.